Being Dead SUCKS
by EvilFuzzy9
Summary: Sokka never really gave much thought to what would come after death, but he probably didn't expect it to be so... dysfunctional. [crackish, lust quadrangle?]


**Being Dead SUCKS**

An _Avatar the Last Airbender _x _Legend of Korra _fanfic

By

EvilFuzzy9

* * *

Let me tell you something. Being dead?

_Not all it's cracked up to be._

Oh, sure, I've gotten to catch up with Yue, and I haven't had to deal with any of those aches and pains. I do not miss having a body.

_Good glaciers_, if I'd known what all that warrior-ing and heroics would do to my body thirty years down the line, I probably would have just stayed home. It is NOT fun having to hobble around with a cane when you're only fifty. Not to mention the back pains, and the digestive troubles...

I am _so happy_ I no longer need to use the bathroom. I do not miss the adult diapers. Or the nurses.

Oh, sure, if I'd gotten _pretty_ nurses like Haru and Teo and the Duke'd had, I probably wouldn't have minded. Suki went twelve years before me in a tragic accident with elephant koi, and let me tell you: being the widower of a Kyoshi warrior?

It is NOT as fun as you may picture it. With your perverted mind, thinking of being surrounded by beautiful, perky young warrior-ettes, and nearly half of them Ty Lee's daughters (and _great Yue_ did the girls take after their mother). But there's _obligations_ and _respect_ and _fidelity_.

The one real downside of being a man married to a Kyoshi Warrior is that you don't GET to remarry. It's kinda like how widows get treated in stuffier parts of the Earth Kingdom, except maybe a little more sympathetic since I _was_ a famous war hero and all.

At least until your kids pawn you off to the cheapest nursing home they could find. Oh _sure_ they insisted that they chose it because of how close it was to Air Temple Island in Republic City, but surely no respectable establishment would ever employ such... frightening nurses.

I had never known women could be so muscular. Or hairy.

Slush, just thinking about it gives me spirit goosebumps. And not the good kind, like what I get when Toph decides to go _au naturel_.

I mean SERIOUSLY woman, just because you were blind in life doesn't mean you should act like clothes are **optional**. That is just not fair. Especially since Suki reincarnated almost as soon as she died.

And I mean, I get that she wanted to return to her people and continue the cycle of Kyoshi warriors, but I don't even _believe _in reincarnation.

Which apparently means I get to spend the rest of eternity somewhere between the worlds of spirits and men. And, you know, that wouldn't _necessarily_ be so bad. Except I am spending it without my wife, and Toph is FAR too happy to rub that fact in my face.

Being dead exempts you from many things. Taxes, death, adult diapers.

But not blue balls.

_Yue above_, not blue balls.

* * *

You'd think Sokka would've figured it out by now.

I mean, _honestly_. I might been blind back when we were alive, but even me-as-a-kid would have been able to see the signals I am sending.

What does a woman have to DO to get some Vitamin O in the afterlife?

Or wherever we are. I'm not too clear on where exactly we ARE. But whatever.

We might never have hooked up in life, but those vows clearly stated only _'til death do us part_. After that, anyone is fair game. At least as far as I'm concerned.

And Sokka is perfectly available.

I mean, I'm dead, he's dead; I'm an awesome badass, he's a really funny guy. I am **_absolutely_** _**smokin'**_ _**hot**_, and he's not too bad looking either.

Not like Yue's gonna be putting out anytime soon. She's too busy with her whole MOON SPIRIT shitck. Shtick. Shit-stick.

Slag it.

If Sokka doesn't quit mooning over Suki and put that boomerang of his to use, I am going to throw him to the ground and prove once and for all that even without earthbending I can still totally _own his ass_.

And any other piece of him, too.

* * *

OH MY LA

ARE ALL FIRE NATION GIRLS JUST TOTALLY STACKED OR SOMETHING

WHAT THE FLAMEY-O

OH SLUSH SHE'S COMING BACK FOR MOr_e_—

* * *

**MAI YOU SLUT**

WHY ARE YOU DEAD

WHERE THE MUCK IS ZUKO

GO REINCARNATE INTO SOMETHING SMALL AND EASILY SQUISHED YOU DARN GLOOM LORD

YOU AND YOUR STUPID SEXY ASS THAT TOTALLY ISN'T TURNING ME ON BECAUSE I AM TOTALLY NOT INTO GIRLS.

Except for that one time WHICH DOESN'T REALLY COUNT because Azula totally slipped something into that drink AND I AM PRETTY SURE THAT DESPITE WHAT ANYONE SAYS SHE _COULDN'T HAVE POSSIBLY GOTTEN ME PREGNANT_

* * *

I am so glad Zuko can't actually see spirits.

At least I_ hope _he can't.

I don't want to think about what he would do to me if he knew what Mai talked me into doing in his throne room. I might already be dead, but I don't think he would be above taking a crack at finding some way to kill my spirit.

On the plus side, I no longer have blue balls.

On the down side, Toph is not very happy with Mai... for some reason... and I think Yue _might_ have tried talking the Ocean Spirit into finding some way to drown Mai's spirit.

The reason for that is probably a little more straightforward.

Although it IS a little hard to feel very confident when your ex-sorta-moon-spirit-girlfriend's pussy is as big as the Great Divide. The one time I tried to... _catch up_... with her after I died, I wound up lost in there for half a year.

Probably would have been longer if Yue hadn't gotten herself some alone time during the Summer Solstice that year.

Anyways, ever since Mai died things have gotten pretty _awkward_. She's apparently waiting for Zuko to die before she reincarnates. Which would be very romantic, if not for the fact that she seems quite intent on spending the intervening time (and Zuko comes from a family with a _distressing_ tendency for exceptional longevity) joined firmly at the hip with me.

Because she is insatiable, I am the only guy she has seen since dying, and Zuko is OF COURSE not showing signs of keeling over any time soon.

The prick.

* * *

Okay.

Okay.

_Okay_.

So I MIGHT have gotten a little carried away after seeing my baby girl get her bending taken away by that NO GOOD MONKEYFEATHERING BLOODBENDING COCKSUCKER.

And by "getting carried away"

I might just mean that I kinda.

Um.

Well, Mai does look a tiny bit like Azula, in the right light... and I'm still relatively new to this whole "_seeing_" thing.

Er.

Let's just say I no longer have blue balls. Except Sugar Queen said that girls don't get blue balls to begin with. But as far as I know, we girls don't have our own term for it, so I am doing what any practical, forward-thinking feminist linguist would do and co-opting a once male-centric term to be used freely by all sexes.

Or whatever it is that Kya used to babble on about when she was a teenager.

I swear, that girl spent way too much time studying "igneous herbalism of the liberated colonies", or whatever it is she called it, for it to have been healthy. I'm so glad her flakiness didn't rub off on Lin.

Good ol' Lin.

I swear on Yue's tits that if I do not find a way to kick that slag-licker's ass back into whatever dark, smelly hole he crawled out of, I will personally talk Sokka into a threesome with me and Mai. And I am not just saying this because I really want an excuse to do that, oh no!

If nothing else, may Yue's gigantic ass cause a tidal wave to drown the city and every last Equalist in it.

Seriously, that girl is like a third the size of the planet.

* * *

Is it asking too much for my kids to actually do something RELEVANT? I mean, _fine_ Kyoshi's a nice place, and you guys have your own responsibilities and all, but...

...you _do_ remember where your dad came from, right? Because I sure as La wasn't born on Kyoshi Island, or in Republic City. You guys might be Kyoshi Islanders, but you're ALSO Southern Water Tribe.

Right?

Surely you guys have _some_ sense of loyalty to your dear old dad. You know? The Southern Water Tribe was my _home_, and I thought I'd passed on at least some degree of love and respect for our culture down to you guys.

If nothing else, Suki was commander of the Kyoshi Warriors for a good long time, and I was her beloved husband.

Don't you guys feel _any_ sympathy for your relatives in the South Pole? I can understand your cousins not coming down because, y'know, they don't have any way to get news from the outside world, but _you guys?_ You ARE my kids, right? You know, the kids of Sokka?

_Sokka of the Southern Water Tribe?_ Doesn't that ring any bells?

And what about your Auntie Katara?

Do you think she's HAPPY with seeing our tribe besieged by our own brothers from the north?

No.

**OF COURSE SHE ISN'T**

SO GET OFF YOUR LAZY ASSES AND_ DO SOMETHING RELEVANT_

* * *

Don't listen to Sokka. He just wants to see some proof that he actually reproduced, since the odds are now kinda low that him and me ever wound up getting together in canon.

* * *

You know, I don't even so much _mind_ Sukka being official. But the least they could do is mention whether or not anything ever CAME of that union.

I mean, with everything that happened in the Southern Water Tribe in the second season...

* * *

I don't see what all the fuss is about. Sokka and Toph, and even the Moon Spirit are all in a tizzy about Sokka's hypothetical kids.

But me?

My interests lie in the way of things far more tangible.

_Especially_ since Zuko still doesn't look anywhere close to dying of old age. I love him, but our vows were pretty clear on that point. And I am not going to spend twenty-odd sexless years waiting for him to croak.

A woman has _needs_, after all.

* * *

A/N: FINALLY finished watching Book Two of LoK after getting my preordered copy on the first. I am conflicted about the apparent loss of Korra's connection to her past lives – admittedly this is more to do with personal emotions than a problem with the actual direction as far as storytelling.

One thing that dismays me, however, is the continued lack of anything to do with Sokka. _Unexpected Aftermath_ helped me come to terms with Sukka's Official Pairing status while also letting me indulge my longstanding Tokka loyalties... but, while I've come to terms with the fact that, at least in the Official Canon, Lin is **probably** not Sokka's kid...

...I'd still like it if we could get at least SOME mention of any kids he had. I think I may have said this before elsewhere, but at this rate I'm beginning to seriously wonder WTF happened with Sokka and Suki. At this point, I can only assume one (or more) of three things:

A.) Sokka and Suki never reproduced, for one reason or another. That's kinda sad in its own way, but at least there are people carrying on their spirit in the series, if not necessarily their _blood_.

B.) Something happened to estrange either Sokka or his offspring from Aang and Katara's kids. This would explain why the Kataang Clan (or Aangsons, as I like to think of them) have never mentioned any cousins, if they actually exist. It could also set up some interesting drama.

C.) The writers haven't really given any thought to this matter. Which is a possibility that would make ME sad, at least.

**Updated:** 7-3-14

**TTFN and R&R!**

– — ❤


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